


From my hands to your's

by SnazzyJazzyH



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Hurt Stiles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Nogitsune, Post-Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, Stiles-centric, abandoned stiles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 06:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9372116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnazzyJazzyH/pseuds/SnazzyJazzyH
Summary: Stiles felt like he was drowning most of the time. The pack had abandoned him Derek was gone and he felt his control slipping. Stiles didn't know how to cope with the after affects of the nogitsune that was until Derek returned and showed him that he didn't have to do everything alone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so please dont judge if you see some minor mistakes I edit all my fics and I dont have beta reader so if you want to be mine please let me know would be greatly apriciated.

**From my hand to your's**

 

Stiles life was basically perfect. He was friends with the most popular people in school. Was starting line on the lacrosse team, had a father who loved him. He was getting wonderful grades and somehow balanced his academics and social life perfectly.

Now ignore everything in the above paragraph because it’s a lie.

From anyone on an outsider’s perspective Stiles life is perfect. It’s a dream come true for any teenager. The truth though is so much worse. Stiles so called friends made fun of him and made him feel useless even though they thought what they were say was all in good fun. Sure he was popular by association but let’s be real they only kept him around because of Scott. The whole starting line of the lacrosse team was only because coach needed an extra player and he was the one in sight when that happened. His father was to absent to really love him. Sure he would do anything for Stiles except be in the same room for longer than an hour. The last time they spent quality time together bonding was before his mother died. After that he was too busy at the bottom of a bottle to really notice and loves his son. And when he finally pulled himself out of the bottle he buried himself so far in work he sometimes forgot he even had a son. The whole grades thing was true but his ‘friends’ never invited him out somewhere unless it was a pack meeting and the only reason he got good grades was because he never slept and used any opportunity not dyeing to study because his father could not afford college on the salary of a sheriff.

So all in all Stiles life was not perfect. Stiles was honestly struggling to survive most days. He was too overlooked to feel useful and too used to feel important. He got stepped on and berated so constintantly that he wondered when any form of light would come back into his life. There was one person who even though wasn’t the nicest person to him made him feel like something.

This is the story of when that person returned and brought a little bit of light into Stiles life.

It all started on a Monday. Nothing good is supposed to happen on a Monday. Stiles will live by that fact for the rest of his life. His mom died on a Monday. The first time his father got so drunk he screamed at him until his voice went happened on a Monday. Derek left the pack (him) on a Monday. So no Mondays were horrible. Stiles dreaded Mondays. He never scheduled anything important on Monday because it will all turn sour one way or another. So it really through him for a loop and made him question everything when he found out Derek returned on a Monday.

Stiles probably wouldn’t have even noticed if Scott hadn’t said anything casually on that Monday. They were all at lunch and Stiles was pushed to the end of the table and basically ignored. He was eating his mysterious lunch whatever it was.

“So remember pack meeting at Derek’s tonight.” Scott spoke up when a hush came around the table.

Stiles head shot up “Derek’s back?”

“Huh? Yeah why?” Scott said looking at Stiles confused.

Stiles made a guffaw sound “Uh how come this is the first time I’m hearing about this!”

“Well it’s not like your pack.” Isaac said.

Stiles spluttered and looked at Scott for him to say something different but when he didn’t meet his gaze Stiles blushed and looked down at the table.

“Yeah of course right.” He whispered then looked up plastering a smile, “Anyhow I got to go do something elsewhere.”

By the end of his sentence the conversation basically drowned out his voice and he walked away without anyone noticing. His life has basically gone to crap since Scott had been bit. He was there to help Scott since the beginning and for that he got attacked, kidnaped, had a gun held to his head, had his dad kidnaped, A teacher go crazy and kill everyone for revenge, possessed and killed a bunch of people, and to top it all off a dead pool with all his friends on it. But what did he get basically rejected by his so called ‘pack’ well he thought it was his pack but they didn’t even have the decency to tell him Derek was back or that they were having pack meetings without him. And apparently he wasn’t even in the pack to begin with.

Stiles left the cafeteria and headed towards his jeep. He didn’t feel up to doing the rest of the school day. He felt like he was going to puke. All this time he thought he was a part of something but he was so very wrong. They all just dealt with him because of Scott and Scott barely wanted him around. They never hang out any more and honestly Stiles felt so alone lately. He was barely over the nogitsune. He had buried it so deep but once the dead pool was over and the action all around him stop everything that happened came back to him.

It hadn’t even felt like he was possessed it felt like he was doing it and choosing to and the nogitsune was just whispering sudgjustion in his ear. That he was in complete control of his body and was just being gently prodded in the direction. When he first became unpossessed the pack had said they knew it wasn’t his fault and he had no control. Stiles had nodded along with them to try and ease their worries saying he knew that. But it was a lie he knew what he was doing he chose to do those things. The nogitsune didn’t have complete control he did.

Stiles pulled up onto his driveway numbly walking up his drive unlocking his empty house. Stiles dad hadn’t really been around but that wasn’t that new he got so busy Stiles wouldn’t be surprised if he forgot he had a son sometimes with the sheer amount he worked. Also Stiles was pretty sure his father was slightly scared of him after the nogitsune. His dad was walking very lightly around and was even around less than before. He barely talked to his dad Stiles didn’t even think he saw him that week yet.

Stiles was slowly loosing everyone just like he had feared. Maybe they caught on about the fact that he was in control. That must be why his friends no longer are his friends because they knew everything he did while the nogitsune ‘possessed’ him was his choice all along. That he was a monster that he was the monster not the nogitsune.

Stiles collapsed in his hallway all these thoughts swarming in his head his breathing coming out panicked. Dark spots clouded his vision and he was gagging as if to puke. He brought his knees up to his chest trying to stave off the massive panic that was taking over his whole body. He couldn’t have a panic attack now he just couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to have any release to the emotions building up in him. He deserved to feel horrible and he knew that after a panic attack he always slept like the dead to regain his energy. He would not he didn’t deserve a relief to the constant pain he felt over everything.

The panic attack must have lasted about 15 minutes before Stiles wiped off his face and stumbled into his kitchen and getting a glass of water draining the glass in a matter of seconds. A migraine was blooming and all he wanted to do was sleep. He felt like a new born deer with the way he was stumbling around his house to try and stay upright.

He collapsed on his bed letting sleep consume him.

* * *

 

A sharp ringing startled him awake causing Stiles to jump and fall of his bed. When he looked around he realize the sound was coming from his butt where his phone still was. Blearily staring at the screen in utter bewilderment he saw that it was Derek calling him.

“Hello?” He asked his voice sounding scratchy from sleep.

“Stiles where the hell were you today.” Derek growled at him.

“Uh… What?”

Stiles was so confused the pack didn’t tell Derek he was no longer in the pack why wouldn’t they tell Derek it made no sense for them to keep it from him. It’s not like Derek cared about him much so why was he calling.

“To the pack meeting.” Derek said slowly as if Stiles was stupid and couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Well if the others hadn’t told Derek he wasn’t in the pack anymore Stiles wasn’t going to break the news because then maybe someone would care just a little even if it was just about if he showed up to the stand.

“I fell asleep?” Stiles spoke his statement twisting it’s a sentence at the end.

Derek’s gruff reply was short and sweet to the point before he hung up. The don’t let it happen again felt like it was echoing through his room.

What had he done? The rest of the pack kicked him out he couldn’t show up to a pack meeting. He didn’t even know when the next one was happening so who was he even supposed to show up. Oh my God they were going to kill him. They already hated him what would they do if he showed up to a pack meeting.  Why didn’t he just tell Derek he wasn’t pack anymore why would he pretend?

* * *

 

The next week had passed in a blur of Stiles attempting to avoid Scott’s pack and try to stave off the panic attacks that happened when he saw things that flashed him back to the nogitsune. He could barely sit through history anymore without feeling utter panic and guilt engulf him.

During school the next Monday he overheard Isaac talking to Scott about the pack meeting and hoping Derek wasn’t so pissy this tonight.

So now Stiles knew when the pack meeting was should he show up or like just ignore it and have Derek call again and maybe yell at him or worse Derek showing up at his house. He walked out of school with this on his mind. He had to make a choice on what to do. He both were equally bad ideas in his mind because like Derek was the only person who sort of cared about him everyone else had given up. He was pushed out of his only friend group everyone else at school thought he was annoying he didn’t have friends outside of the pack.

If he was really kicked out like everyone said and Derek was just pulling his leg than that would be so embarrassing but Stiles felt like Derek wasn’t actually cruel. Well no Stiles knew Derek wasn’t cruel he was just a kid who had to grow up with a crappy life. He was rough around the edges but he didn’t inherently go out to be cruel to another person. That just wasn’t him.

Stiles when he got home still tried to think of which decision because he knew he wasn’t part of the pack the majority had all said so. Scott had been acting ‘alpha’ while Derek was gone and while he was gone didn’t he have a say who was in the pack. Wouldn’t he have talked to Derek about kicking him out beforehand? Or what if he never was pack and he was kidding himself this entire time. Stiles knew Derek wouldn’t invite him for a laugh but Stiles also was sure he wasn’t pack like who would want him in their pack anyway. If he was a wolf he would have blue eyes. He had killed innocents and Stiles knew Derek technically did but it was to put Paige out of her misery he hadn’t done it with a malicious intent. He hadn’t wanted to kill Paige he was ultimately helping in the end. Stiles while killing all those people he had wanted to. He thrived off the power coming off the ultimate control of taking someone else’s life in his hands. Sometimes he still wanted that control back of looking upon someone and knowing that their life lied in his hands. That their future of continue was directly tied to what he decided to do to them.

These thoughts always made him feel so guilty because a sane person was not supposed to think this way. A human wasn’t sure that they were supposed to like killing. Not that he felt very human often. He was more monster than the people in his life that were technically monsters.

Stiles was startled out of his self-deprecating thought with a shrill ring coming from the table he had been sitting at apparently the past three hours. Time had been passing weirdly for him he would go through bought of time where it felt like it was moving like molasses and then others were it would fly by in a blink.

Looking at his phone he saw Derek was calling. Picking up his phone he answered it.

“Two calls in one day people may think you actually like me.” Stiles first response was.

“Pack meeting in 20 get here.” Was all Derek said before hanging up?

“Okay,” Stiles spoke to thin air putting his phone down and resigning himself to a night of torture.

The decision that he had been worrying over for an entire week was decided for him with Derek’s short call. He didn’t even give Stiles the time to maybe refute it he just told him that he basically has to show up.

He went and grabbed his keys from the bowl at the front of his house. He didn’t even bother leaving a note not like his dad was going to be home tonight anyway. Starting up his jeep he drove to what felt like his own execution.

Why hadn’t he just told Derek, again?

* * *

 

Stiles pulled up to the loft and everyone’s cars were already outside. Great he was the last one to be here even worse.

He hoped Derek told them he was coming otherwise that could get really awkward. What if they didn’t know? Oh god why was he doing this.

When he made it to the sliding door that was Derek’s loft he felt really uncertain about entering. He took a deep breath slid the door open and walked through.

All heads snapped up at him the look of sheer confusion of seeing him there was evident on all their faces except Derek’s.

“What are you doing here?” Isaac asked accusing.

The others in the room looked as if he agreed with him. The only person who looked slight perturbed was Derek. His eyebrows were scrunched up and confusion was evident on his face.

“He’s pack of course he is here.” Derek stated like it was obvious.

“No he isn’t. He never was he is human.” Lydia spoke up.

Even though Stiles no longer like the Strawberry blonde it still felt like a punch to the gut for her to say that so abrasively.

“Get out!” Derek growled.

Stiles felt like he was going to puke. He was wrong he was so wrong of course once someone told Derek he would realize that he wasn’t pack why did he come. Stiles stumbled backwards a wounded sound leaving his throat before he could stop it. The rest of the pack looked smug at his reaction like Derek was also confirming what they knew was true.

Derek turned to him his gaze softening, “Not you Stiles, them.”

“What Derek! You can’t do that we are pack it’s a pack meeting.” Scott shouted in outrage.

The glare the Derek sent Scott was stone cold and downright murderous.

“You were the ‘ _alpha’_ of Beacon Hills. My territory you don’t have permission to say who is and isn’t pack. You never had permission to kick someone out and if you knew anything about being a werewolf you would know that a pack needs humans in it. It helps wolves keep their humanity so Don’t YOU DARE come to me saying you are pack when you didn’t treat one of you own as a pack mate.” Derek lectured glaring at the rest of the room.

“This is so stupid he Killed people Derek. Alison is his fault he killed a pack mate if he could’ve just learned to shut the door that was in his head like Alison and Scott no of that would have ever happened.” Lydia answered her voice the epitome of spoiled brat.

Stiles tried to keep his face expressionless but when everyone else nodded along his breathing picked up and he stumbled back hitting one of Derek’s walls before collapsing. They knew oh god they knew. They knew that he was in control the whole time that the possession wasn’t actually a legit possession that it was like the nogitsune was his evil jiminy cricket.

He vaguely heard Derek yell something before dark spots took over his vision and he could no longer stop the panic attack. Usually they weren’t this bad but his fears were confirmed that his friends did really blame him that instead of them thinking he had no control when in fact they blamed him. What Lydia had said made all the self-loathing, fears, and guilt seam so much more valid. Black swarmed him and he vaguely felt someone grabbing onto his shoulders and a panicked voice before everything faded to black.

Stiles woke up in a bed that wasn’t his own and if that wasn’t ominous enough. He sat up and looked around recognizing the industrial walls of the loft. Why was he still here? He remembered panicking and then everything turned black.

He heard movement to his left and looking that way he saw Derek come up a steaming mug in one hand.

“Hey I figured you might want some tea for the nerves.” Derek spoke as if talking to a startled animal.

“Thanks.” Stiles responded taking the tea.

“Stiles, I think we should talk.” Derek’s voice staying soft.

Stiles was silent. He never heard Derek speak that softly before. Stiles had no idea what he wanted to talk about but he knew he wouldn’t like it at all. He was already feeling fidgety and was trying not to squirm under his intense gaze.

“Stiles,” Derek started, “When did they stop thinking you were pack? Did you know this?”

“Yeah I knew,” Stiles coughed awkwardly, he did not like this at all, “I don’t know a little after you left after the dead pool everyone stopped treating me like they used too I guess. It’s not a big deal I understand it I do. I wouldn’t want to hang out with me either.”

Stiles didn’t know why he was telling Derek but seeing him was a shock to his system. The open expression on his face just made Stiles want to spill everything. Derek had stood up for him to his pack that were probably more valuable than he could ever be to him. Derek had also changed a lot since he first met him. Even when he left he was a lot better less angry. And coming back to Beacon Hills he was like an entirely different person. He seemed lighter and like he fit into his skin. More at ease with himself and what was around him no longer an angst ridden person.

“This has been going on for four months!” Derek’s outrage evident. “Why was I not told of this! This is still my territory.”

Stiles shrunk not wanting to say anything that would make him more upset. He wanted to Derek to stay he didn’t want Derek to leave him alone. Stiles hated to be alone when everything would just crush down on him because no one was there to stop the barrage of thoughts assaulting his mind.

Derek’s hand on his shoulder was a shock to his system.

“Stiles I’m sorry I shouldn’t have raised my voice to you. Have you been dealing with everything on your own? I know you were fine when I left but you went through something traumatic. Possession isn’t something that goes away quickly trust me repressing it does not help.” Derek’s voice returning to a soft tone he had adapted at the beginning of the conversation.

Stiles shied away from him, he did not want to talk about the nogitsune at all. Derek would hate him if he told him everything. He wasn’t dealing with trauma he was dealing with the guilt of killing everyone of choosing to off his friends.

“Stiles you can tell me please?”

“I’m not dealing with trauma Derek I wasn’t possessed.” Stiles answered his voice sounding resigned.

“Stiles you were possessed I saw it myself that wasn’t you.” Derek said slowly

Stiles snapped Derek had to understand, “I. Wasn’t. Possessed. I had utter control in what I was doing everything you think the ‘ _nogitsune’_ did I had the final decision. It wasn’t like watching my body do something. It was like it was my conscience. He just nudged me to do things. I chose to kill Allison. I chose to attack the police station. I chose to stab Scott. I choose all of it.”

By the end of his little speech his voice was higher pitched and his breath coming out fast. Panic was clouding his mind.

“Stiles, oh Stiles.”

With that Derek gathered Stiles in his arms and having someone care and hold him was when the dam broke a he started to sob. No one had cared about him he was abandoned by his friends and his family and left to drift. He didn’t realize how much he needed that human contact. That little reassurance that someone cared that he was alive.

He didn’t know how long he cried all he knew was that he eventually cried himself to sleep and for once feeling like someone cared enough to be there when he woke up.

* * *

 

DEREK POV

When Stiles told Derek what he had thought happened with the nogitsune Derek realized just how messed up Stiles was. He thought he was dealing with the fact that he couldn’t control his body but the nogitsune was so twisted that it made him think that all of the nogitsune choices were Stiles. That while the nogitsune was trying to create chaos and confuse everyone around it the biggest trick it pulled was on Stiles. Making him believe that he chose to kill all of his friends and that the nogitsune had a small part to play in the whole thing.

Stiles was more broken than Derek had initially thought. This ran deeper than guilt of being possessed of the trauma of having your free will taken away. Derek was honestly at a loss for what to do.

Derek felt horrible for leaving Stiles alone even though he needed it to finish healing. He hurt for the boy in his arms. As he sobbed clinging to him as if no one had touched him is so long he forgot the comfort of human touch. He thought the pack would be there to help Stiles to be an actual pack but when he got back and Stiles didn’t come to the pack meeting he realized how wrong he was. At first he thought Stiles just didn’t want to come nor had a legitimate excuse so he went to go check up on him and the smell of grief and guilt were so strong at the Stilinski house Derek didn’t even need to enter the house.

Derek kept comforting Stiles as his sobs slowed and he fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

 

STILES POV

Stiles woke up still laying on Derek. They were on Dereks bed still and honestly Stiles didn’t know how Derek was comfortable with Stiles sprawled on top of him. Stiles blinked trying to get the sleep out of his eyes. He was comfortable and warm lying in Derek’s arms. He felt protected and it was such a relief to wake up next to someone for once. Derek shifted underneath him and that’s when Stiles felt his very prominent problem down below.

Oh God why was this happening to him. A morning wood couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

“Stiles,” Derek mumbled “Stop thinking you’re too loud.”

Stiles was stock still he did not want Derek to feel that. It was embarrassing even though he couldn’t exactly control it. Derek would not like having someone’s erection press up against him and honestly Stiles highly doubted Derek would ever want that person to be him.

“Derek I have to pee.” Stiles whispered.

Letting go of him Stiles tried his darndest to not let Derek feel his little problem and scurried to the bathroom.

God that was so embarrassing not only had he cried all over Derek last night but he had to wake up with that. Sure Stiles sort of had a crush on Derek before he left but he thought it was gone. His body still seemed to like Derek. Stiles hadn’t had a morning wood in forever his body too tired from lack of sleep and way too stressed to even think about getting hard. Masturbating was a thing in the past and then Derek had to show up and be nice to him for his body to finally start acting normal. What the hell!

Stiles heard someone moving around and figured Derek had decided to get up. Stiles didn’t know what to do because he obviously couldn’t jerk off Derek would smell and more than likely hear that.

Stiles tried to think of something else like dead puppies or his grandma and it worked after like five minutes. He quickly did do his business before going outside.

He saw Derek sitting on his couch with a bowl of cereal. Another bowl was on the coffee table in front of the couch.

“I hope you like cheerios.” Derek said around a spoonful of said cereal.

Stiles sat down at the other end of the couch picking up the bowl. He didn’t look at Derek while he ate and silence rang out around them making Stiles a bit uncomfortable. He shifted on the couch when he heard Derek place his bowl on the coffee table.

“Stiles I know you don’t think anything is wrong but there is. The sheer amount of guilt and grief coming of you is not normal for a human.” Derek started.

Stiles sighed realizing he was probably not getting out of this talk any time soon.

“I deserve it Derek I did so many horrible things.” Stiles whispered kind of hoping Derek couldn’t hear him even though it was highly improbable for him to not.

“Stiles the nogitsune played a trick on you just like it did to everyone else. It made you think that you were in control but the Stiles I know would never actively choose that. You are the most selfless person who would never hurt the people he cared about. You have done so many things for this pack that I would go to say you are the most valuable member of the pack. You would willingly give up your life for the other people in the pack even if they don’t see that right now.” Derek said trying to reason with Stiles.

“But Derek what you’re saying doesn’t change the fact that I remember choosing that the Scott, Lydia, and Isaac think I did it on purpose.”

“Hey don’t think about them you should be focusing on getting healthy because what you are now is not healthy.” Derek said stopping Stiles thought process, “You should probably see someone Stiles. I know you may not want to but it would be beneficial. I know someone who is in the know of Supernatural who is a trained therapist. It’s who I still see and started to see before I left.”

“But Derek what could that do to help?” Stiles asked sounding small and vulnerable.

“Well you just have to try”

* * *

 

The next couple weeks were hard Stiles went to see the therapist every day at Derek’s request. It was awkward and weird at the beginning but eventually he started to share and it did make him feel better. The pack still didn’t really talk to him but he heard their conversations about Derek and himself but he tried to tune them out.

He was feeling lighter and through the weeks he and Derek started to get closer. Derek insisted on driving him to and from therapy his reasoning was just in case it was a hard session he wasn’t driving home wiped or emotional. It was nice Stiles liked having someone who cared for him enough to think about his driving stability.

At week two the therapist suggested he talk to his dad about what he was thinking towards him and how Stiles thought his dad was scared of him. He did talk to his dad and it was the most awkward emotional inducing conversation he had ever had with his father. His dad felt terrible reassuring his son that he never thought that he was just so busy because they were understaffed at the moment.

That revelation led to another thing Stiles brought up in his therapy about the guilt of his father overworking because he killed some of his staff.

After two months he was still seeing the therapist every day but they were talking of cutting it down to every other day. At the two month marker they also talked to the rest of the pack. Derek stood next to Stiles while he choked out how he felt the past few months. How guilty he felt about killing everyone and how he thought they hated him. About how hurt he was when they confirmed his thoughts on how they blamed him for Alison. How the nogitsune had twisted his thoughts so he thought he was in control the entire time. He got everything out in the open and by the end tears were streaming down his face. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to tell them his dark thought until they were out. He felt lighter that even if these people in front of him still hated him or blamed him he had told them that he agreed with them.

That talk ended up with Scott tackling him in a hug and apologizing that he hadn’t realized how the blame for the nogitsune had shifted to Stiles. Lydia was in the back looking down and Isaac’s eyes were shining.

It took a while but the pack got better and stronger. With his friends back it helped Stiles strive more to heal from his trauma. He had his friends and family back even if the pack was still a bit awkward.

They did end up getting a bit bigger with the edition of a Beta from another territory Liam and a human Mason.

He also graduated with honors during this time and Stiles was glad to never step back into the high school. This really helped push him ahead on his track to healing.

6 months into therapy Stiles and his therapist were working on how Stiles deserved to be happy and that he should do something that would make him happy. This is when Stiles fully delved into his feelings with Derek and listened to his therapist’s advice and asked Derek out. To his surprise Derek said yes and so they became a couple. Dating was a little rocky starting out because Stiles would over think so many things. Also with Stiles starting college life was getting busier and it was harder for him to focus on therapy, school, and dating but Derek always made sure that Stiles was never too panicked about anything and would back off if needed.

A year after starting therapy Stiles only saw his therapist once a week. He was happier than ever and he and Derek were looking for a place to move into with each other. Stiles still struggled with the guilt he sometimes felt but it was getting easier to manage. Derek was a saint helping him with any panic attacks he got but they were less and less.

Stiles knew he still had a long way to go but with Derek and his pack around Stiles knew he would be able to do it with ease.


End file.
